Dear Multiples:
I am a Wiccan and I am having a very hard time keeping this secret from my
community. I am afraid I might get torched or something, if they found
out.
But everywhere I go, I see these religious billboards and every restaurant
has biblical pamphlets and every other day some bible pusher knocks on my
door. I don't know how much longer I can take it!!!
Help!!!
Signed
Burning at the stake in Wisconsin
Dear Burning!
Aysra says, "You are a Wiccan? That's a witch, right? Too cool,
girlfriend!!! Don't worry, we don't live in medieval times anymore, I
don't think burning at the stake is legal anymore. Except maybe in Iran…
or wait a minute that was stoning…"
Nora gets goosbumps from excitement just thinking about the burning. She
suggests that you might want to begin conditioning your body with simple
cigarette burns. Slowly upgrade to extinguishing candles by sitting on
them (BE SURE NOT TO EAT ANY BEANS PRIOR TO THIS APPROACH!), eventually
you can move on to rolling your entire body over a bed of coals, and the
grand finale: pour gasoline all over
yourself and light a match!
Nora, shut up, you are getting carried away!
Watch out, Marcie is coming to hit you with a broomstick!
Janna it studying the Bible to see if she can find anything on witchcraft…
Let's see, Jesus turned water into wine, that makes him a wizard, doesn't
it? But wait, they nailed him to the cross, not very
encouraging… Noah survived a huge flood. He must be a wizard too, cause
isn't it a fact that they don't drown? What else… A talking burning bush!
If that isn't witchcraft she doesn't know what is! You should have some
convincing arguments for those bible pushers here!
Priscilla is asking if Wiccans aren't herbalist. That's cool cause making
your own remedies can save you a bundle on Doctor bills! Hey, open a store
for herbs, candles and incense! It's a great cover up and you'll be
making money, while you can be a happy witch at the same time!
Annie says it looks like you have a lot of negative penned up pressure,
which needs to come out. It is time to get out of that broom closet!
You'll be in the tabloids for a couple of weeks, but then it will blow
over!
Just look at Rosie! It really works! And look at us. We surely cleaned out
Heide's closet. Did it hurt? No way! She's getting rich of it!
Vera says to call J.K. Rowling. You'll be in good hands with her! While
you are waiting for her to call you back, you might apply Eminem's motto.
Makes a nice little tune to keep in your head "I'm sorry, momma, I never
meant to hurt you, but tonight I'm cleaning out my closet!"
Marcia is apprehended at the moment. She tripped over the broomstick on
her way to Nora's.
Little Angel is hiding in the broom closet. She's scared of witches…
Geeze, Hannibelle is unavailable as well. She booked a tour to Iran
"Stoning Mania".
Ellie Mae suggests that you'll accept the drowning method. Insist that
they call Jesus first to turn that water into wine. Then your drowning
won't be so bad!
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